Stantz: At o:40 p.m., at the main branch of the
New York public library on 5th avenue,
ten people witnessed a free-floating,
full-torso, vaporous apparition! It blew
books off shelves from twenty feet away
and scared the socks off of some poor
Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you
tried to drill a hole through your head.
Spengler: That would have worked if you hadn’t
Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you’ve
finally gone around the bend on this ghost
business. You guys have been running your
ass off, meetin’ and greetin’
every schizo in the five boroughs who
says he has a paranormal experience. What
have you seen?
Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present
at an undersea, unexplained mass sponge
Venkman: Uhh, Ray, the sponges migrated about a
Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple
of standard questions, okay? Have you
or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic?
Librarian: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Venkman: I’d call that a big yes. Uh, are
you habitually using drugs? Stimulants?
Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating
Administrator: What’s has that got to do with it?
Venkman: Back off, man. I’m a scientist.
Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Venkman: You’re right, no human being would stack books like this.
Venkman: Einstein did his best stuff when he was
working as a patent clerk!
Stantz: You know how much a patent clerk earns?
Personally, I liked the University; they
gave us money and facilities, we didn’t
have to produce anything. You’ve
never been out of college. You don’t
know what it’s like out there. I’ve
worked in the private sector — they
Stantz: If the ionization-rate is constant for
all ectoplasmic entities, we could really
bust some heads... in a spiritual sense,
Venkman: What do you think, Egon?
Spengler: I think this building should be condemned.
There’s serious metal fatigue in
all the load-bearing members, the wiring
is substandard, it’s completely
inadequate for our power needs, and the
neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.
Stantz: Hey. Does this fire pole still work? Wow.
This place is great. When can we move
in? You gotta try this pole. I’m
gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay
here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to
try it out.
Venkman: I think we’ll take it.
Stantz: Are you troubled by strange noises in
the middle of the night?
Spengler: Do you experience feelings of dread in
your basement or attic?
Venkman: Have you or your family ever seen a spook,
specter or ghost?
Stantz: If the answer is “yes,” then
don’t wait another minute. Pick
up the phone and call the professionals...
Stantz: Our courteous and efficient staff is on
call 24 hours a day to serve all your
supernatural elimination needs.
ALL: We’re ready to believe you.
Melnitz: Hello, Ghostbusters... Yes, of course
they’re serious... You do?... You
have?... No kidding. Just gimme the address...
Oh sure, they will be totally discreet.
Thank you — WE GOT ONE.
Man at Elevator: What are you guys, cosmonauts?
Venkman: Exterminators. Someone’s seen a
cockroach up on twelve.
Man at Elevator: Must be some cockroach.
Venkman: Bite your head off, man.
Stantz: You know, it’s just occurred to
me. We really haven’t had a completely
successful test of this equipment.
Spengler: I blame myself.
Venkman: So do I.
Stantz: No sense in worrying about it now.
Venkman: Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed
nuclear accelerator on his back.
Spengler: There’s something very important
I forgot to tell you.
Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad
thing. What do you mean “bad”?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it
stopping instantaneously, and every molecule
in your body exploding at the speed of
Stantz: Total protonic reversal!
Venkman: Right, that’s bad. Okay, alright,
important safety tip, thanks Egon.
Stantz: I think we better split up.
Spengler: Good idea.
Venkman: Yeah, we can do more damage that way.
Venkman: Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a
week! No job is too big, no fee is too
Venkman: Generally you don’t see that kind
of behavior in a major appliance.
Barrett: That’s the bedroom, but nothing
ever happened in there.
Venkman: What a crime.
Venkman: Oh my God. Look at all the junk food.
Barrett: No. No, Dammit. Look this wasn’t
Venkman: You actually eat this?
Barrett: No, this wasn’t here. There was
nothing here. There was this... space,
with a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures
writhing around it, and they were growling
and snarling. And there were flames, and
I heard a voice say “Zuul”
I mean it was right here.
Venkman: Well I’m sorry, I’m just not
getting any reading.
Barrett: Well are you sure you’re using that
Venkman: Yeah, Its not... I mean I think so, but
I’m sure there are no animals in
Barrett: This is great. Either I have a monster
in my kitchen or I’m completely
Venkman: I don’t think you’re crazy.
Barrett: Oh good, that makes me feel so much better.
Barrett: You know, you don’t act like a scientist.
Venkman: They’re usually pretty stiff.
Barrett: You’re more like a game show host.
Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections,
mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit
photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance
mediums, the Loch Ness monster, and the
theory of Atlantis?
Zeddemore: If there’s a steady paycheck in
it, I’ll believe anything you say.
Melnitz: You’re very handy, I can tell. I
bet you like to read a lot, too.
Spengler: Print is dead.
Melnitz: Oh, that’s very fascinating to me.
I read a lot myself. Some people think
I’m too intellectual but I think
it’s a fabulous way to spend your
spare time. I also play racquetball. Do
you have any hobbies?
Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.
Spengler: Let’s say this Twinkie represents
the normal amount of psychokinetic energy
in the New York area. According to this
morning’s sample, it would be a
Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing
approximately six hundred pounds.
Barrett: Do you want this body?
Venkman: Is this a trick question? I guess the
roses worked, huh.
Barrett: Take me now, subcreature.
Venkman: We never talk any more. I make it a rule
never to get involved with possessed people.
Actually, it’s more of a guideline
than a rule.
Barrett: I want you inside me.
Venkman: Go ahead! No, I can’t, sounds like
you’ve already got at least two
people in there already. Might a little
crowded. Now, why don’t you quit
trying to upset and disturb Dr. Venkman
and just relax.
Venkman: Ray, pretend for a moment that
I don’t know anything about metallurgy,
engineering, or physics, and just tell
me what the hell is going on.
Stantz: You never studied.
Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of
Mayor: What do you mean “biblical”?
Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor.
Real wrath of God type stuff! Fire and
brimstone coming down from the skies!
Rivers and seas boiling!
Spengler: Forty years of darkness, earthquakes,
Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Venkman: Human sacrifices, dogs and cats living
together! Mass hysteria!
Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until
the power grid was shut off by dickless
Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Venkman: Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.
Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break
Peck: Alright, alright, alright!
Venkman: Well that’s what I heard!
Venkman: So, she’s a dog.
Stantz: Good evening. As a duly designated representative
of the City, County, and State of New
York, I order you to cease any, and all,
supernatural activity and return forthwith
to your place of origin, or to the nearest
convenient parallel dimension.
Venkman: That ought to do it. Thanks very much,
Gozer: Are you a god?
Gozer: Then . . . die!
Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you “if you’re
a god?” you say, “Yes!”
Venkman: Let’s show this prehistoric bitch
how we do things downtown!
Stantz: It can’t be!
Venkman: What is it?!
Stantz: It can’t be!
Venkman: What did you do, Ray?!
Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
Stantz: It’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Venkman: We’ve been going about this all
wrong. This Mr. Stay-Puft is okay. He’s
a sailor, he’s in New York. We get
this guy laid, we won’t have any
Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon... what’ve
you got left?
Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond
the capacity for rational thought.