I keep my house messy so that if someone tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die first.
The fire we started in that cornfield was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.
The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck.
The thunder rumbled, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The moon looked like a toenail clipping submerged in a puddle of saliva on a black Formica countertop.
The plan was simple, like his brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
A person with one clock is certain about time.
A person with two clocks isn’t.
A person with a broken clock is certain twice a day.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Syntax: Money in the collection plate.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Will: A dead giveaway.
“Dad, can you do my homework for me?”
“No, I’m sorry, but it just wouldn’t be right.”
“Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway.”
Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost.
Birds of a feather flock together. Opposites attract.
Clothes make the man. Never judge a book by its cover.
Two heads are better than one. Too many cooks spoil the broth.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Actions speak louder than words.
“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce,” wrote an admiring fan.