Issue One
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
April 2016

>Take One<

Citizen Kane’s Declaration of Principles:

“I will provide the people of this city with a daily paper that will tell all the news honestly. I will also provide them with a fighting and tireless champion of their rights as citizens and as human beings.”

Sea Jay’s Declaration of Principles:

“I have none. Laughter is my drug of choice. My curious sense of humor has no social, political, or religious agenda. I pick and choose whatever suits my fancy.”

>Take Two<

A guy complains to his dentist, “$460 to pull a tooth? For about one minute’s work?”

The dentist replies, “I can make it last longer if you’d like.”

>Take Three<

Error message: “Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.”

>Take Four<

Tom Lehrer once said, “I feel if a person can’t communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up.”

>Take Five<

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

>Take Six<

Two ladies in a restaurant.

One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.”

The other adds, “And such small portions.”

>Take Seven<

A man drove home and discovered his house was on fire. He dialed up the fire department immediately.

The man panicked, “Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!”

The Chief said, “Calm down, Sir. How do we get to your house?”

The man yelped, "Don’t you have those big red trucks anymore?”



Truth in Advertising.

Mantis Afterglow.

Plane Hijack in Progress.

Dog Day Afternoon.

Acid Snow.


Deadly Trump Tick.

Cat Driver’s Ed.

Feline Censorship.

Parking Violation.

Okay. Now where exactly?

Arachnid Anxiety.

Show No Fear.

Another Plane Hijack in Progress.

Latin Kitten.

Last Call.

My Fear of Deep Water Realized.



Hand Me Down.

Having a Ball.

Tort Reform.



Last One In.

“The Happening” by The Supremes.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop sing the Rice Krispies theme song.
“Tie Me Kangaroo Down” by Rolf Harris.

With The Fool and his Money accomplished, I’m writing my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

As Steve Martin put it, “Words are my passion, my art, my... well... you know.”

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


War Dims Hope for Peace.

New Jersey Judge to Rule on Nude Beach.

Sex Education Delayed. Teachers Request Training.

Toilets stolen from City Hall. Police have nothing to go on.

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